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ODS - Xmas 2005

Greeting for our times

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great, (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishers.

This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. 'Holiday' is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organised or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, or the responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it.

This greeting is void where prohibited by law.


Please, Santa

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law."


Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.


Blonde Christmas Story

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"


Letter from Santa

Hi, kids! Hope you all had a good weekend. I know we did up here at the North Pole, because the first weekend in December is traditionally time when we hold the Reindeer Games.

Which, not entirely coincidentally, brings us to today's letter from Peter, from Chicago, who asks:

Dear Santa:

One of the saddest stories at Christmas is how Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, wasn't allowed to join in all the reindeer games. Rudolph became a hero, but we never actually found out what sort of games are reindeer games. What kinds of games are they?"

Well, Peter, there are reindeer games, and then there are The Reindeer Games. It's the difference between playing softball in the park with your buddies, and participating in the Olympics. Anyone can play reindeer games any time they want (even if you're not really a reindeer). But it takes a special sort of deer to have the drive to be in the Reindeer Games.

Again like the Olympics, there are a number of categories in the Reindeer Games, but here are some of the most popular:

LONG JUMP: Since our reindeer can actually fly, you can imagine the distances we get on this one.

100 COUNTRY DASH: Each year, our computers randomly generate a list of 100 countries, and the reindeer see who can get to all of them first. This year's list of countries included Micronesia, Gabon, Luxembourg and Fort McMurdo in Antarctica (not technically a country, but thrown in for the challenge). I personally like this event, because the reindeer often come back with souvenirs for Santa!

SLEIGH PULLS: This one, of course, makes good sense, since that's what the reindeer are actually going to be doing, come Christmas Eve. This is a team event, with 2-deer, 4-deer, and the standard 8-deer setup.

SWIMSUIT COMPETITION: Ha! Santa's just pulling your leg with this one. However, we DO have:

TALENT SHOW: Believe me, you haven't lived until you see an all-reindeer version of "King Lear." It just chokes me up every time.

CHIMNEY SLALOM: One of the biggest problems we have on Christmas is zipping between all those brick chimneys out there. Each year, we set up a new, randomised course, and the deer flit through it. It's breathtaking. We also ruin a lot of perfectly good chimneys.

FIGURE SKATING: Reindeer. Ice Skates. You wouldn't think that it'd work. But it does!

LONG-DISTANCE PACKAGE DELIVERY: This is a mixed event, with reindeer and elves. The elf gets in a single-deer sleigh filled with toys, and the idea is to see how many toys they can hurl down a chimney from the highest possible altitude. This takes delicate co-ordination between the elf and the deer: the elf's got to have dead-on aim, and the deer has to keep the sleigh high and steady. The highest compliment that you can get in this game is when you get a toy straight down the chimney without hitting the brick: "Nothing But Log."

SANTA "COMPLIMENTING": The idea here is to make fun of Santa while making it sound like you're actually complimenting him. I don't know how this one got started.

KARAOKE: The only problem here is that the only thing the reindeer want to sing is ABBA.

Well, that's it for today. Remember to keep those letters and questions coming - I'll be answering a new question every day! My mail address is SantaClaus@northpole.com

Hope to hear from you soon!


Murphy's Laws Of Christmas Presents

  1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included
  2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included
  3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26
  4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size
  5. If it fits, the color is never right
  6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker

Remembering Why Christmas Is Celebrated

A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, this woman finally made it out of the store and to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Not to mention, getting the kids everything they ask for.

Finally the elevator doors opened, there was already a crowd in the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her, along with all her bags of stuff.

When the doors closed, she let out a big sigh and decided she couldn't take it anymore, saying out loud, to no one in particular, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!"

From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded, "Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."


Santa Works Hard!!

It's that time of year again. You know, all full of holly, HO HO HO and snow. In fact I've just cleared the desktop in preparation for the celebration. Accountants are never too slow in doing their calculations, and this time of year is no exception.

A mystery "chain fax" that submits that the Father Christmas myth to scientific analysis has popped up in the City, much to the amusement of money men, who are chuckling at the sight of the bearded old fraud being ruthlessly audited. The analysis calculates that there are possibly 378 million children in the Christian world; at just over 4.1 per household, that's 98.1 million homes. "One presumes that there's at least one good child in each".

Time zones give Santa 31 hours of Christmas to work with, which means 822.6 visits per second. "This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, fill the stockings ... [and] get back into the sleigh."

The sleigh itself would have to travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, 650 miles per second. "[The] fastest man made vehicle ... the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second." The sleigh's payload - assuming nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set, weighing 2 lbs, is 321,300 tons and, even if flying reindeer have 10 times the pulling power of an ordinary reindeer, he will need 214,000 of the beasts.

Finally, "353,000 tons, travelling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance ... the lead pair of reindeer (you know, Rudolph and chum) will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy ... per second ... each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously". Santa's whole flying circus, the fax claims, would burn up, like a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere.

"In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve.... he's dead now!!"


A Cook's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking
And moanin and bitchin.

I've been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This room's a disaster,
Just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings
Who cares what I need !

My feet are both blistered,
I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door, and the telephones ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter
As the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven,
Dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband,
Spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles
"The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "Whats taking so long....
Aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe;
I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN,
YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit it's the pies!!
They're burned all to hell !!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL
Instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living,
I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted,
All shakey and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling
My hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesnt work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!


Her Christmas Postage

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

"What denomination?" the clerk asks.

"Oh my God! Has it come to this then?" asks the blonde. "Well okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist."


A Kitty's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur.


Christmas One-liners

What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
It has NO EL.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
He likes to ho-ho-ho.

How does Santa Claus take photos?
With his North Pole-aroid.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?
They both drop their needles!

Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph!

What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claus!

What do you call a reindeer wearing earmuffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!


Barbie's Christmas List

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2005

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2005:

Santa:

  1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
  2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
  3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
  4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
  5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.
  6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
  7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
  8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
  9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
  10. Mattel stock options. It's been 46 years, I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie


Proof Santa Is An Academic

  1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
  2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
  3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
  4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
  5. Santa travels a lot.

Conclusion: Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!


Vow of Silence

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"


Corporate Party

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 2

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 7

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 8

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 9

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 10

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 14

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!


The 3 Stages Of Life

  1. You believe in Santa Claus
  2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
  3. You are Santa Claus

Flight Test For Santa

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."


Mistletoe At The Airport

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with white paint on some of the small vaguely spheroid parts and green paint on some of the flatter and rounder parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."


Weeweechu

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

AND SO DO I